This blog post is filler because this week sucked. Honestly, it was terrible, no idea why and there’s not much of a good explanation. School was stressing me out and I had no motivation to go to my classes. The weather was finally really great, it was warm, so I didn’t want to be in school. I wanted to be out exploring and enjoying the weather. I think I have learned the most in the last two weeks than I have since I’ve been here, because the last two weeks have sucked but the weekends have been really great. It has really reminded me that this year isn’t just supposed to be easy, it’s not just a vacation.

There are times when I want to go home, I want to see my friends, my family, MY CATS (let’s be real, I miss my cats more than anything else), my city, my car, my school, my room, my bed, my house, my outdoor shower,  Chick-fil-a, and Clumpies (only Chattanooga people will understand). I miss being able to blast my music whenever I want, being able to make spicy thai noodles or pesto pasta or chocolate chip cookies whenever I want, packing my lunch for school, the drive to school, joking with my brother, getting popsicles, Whole Foods, getting gas, knowing where I am 80% of the time, just walking around with my friends, and being able to hide in my room without feeling rude.

But more importantly, I miss being able to understand what’s going on, I miss the fact that people won’t (most of the time) just ignore me when I try to talk to them, I miss two sided conversations where I don’t have to force it, I miss being able to make a joke without worrying people will be offended, and I miss being able to just be me and not being scared that someone will try to get me sent home. I am tired of having all of my senses on high alert 24/7 because when some is yelling they could be yelling at me but how would I know. I’m tired of people starting to speaking Finnish to me and I stand there feeling really dumb, not understanding a thing they say and getting myself in awkward situations because of my “yes” or “no” answer.

But despite all of the things that I miss or I am “tired of”, I don’t want to go home because of weekends like this one or the one before last. Weekends and adventures where I am surrounded other exchange students, who understand exactly what I am going through, or other people I know that genuinely care about me. Those adventures are why I am here, those people are why I am here, and they are why I am still here, why anyone is still here. I have learned so much about myself and the world in the short two and a half months I have been here.

I am okay being alone, I am not dependent on being with other people all of the time. I have found peace with just walking around the city alone and seeing whatever I want, and in the process I have found some really good music. I am less anxious and have more confidence. Even though my confidence or anxiety aren’t at my ideal level yet, it’s  gotten so much better. I don’t wake up every morning terrified of anything and everything, I’m not constantly on the verge of freaking out, which was something I experienced frequently in American high school. I am more happy with myself, my sense of humor, my ability to make people happy, and I now understand how people should actually treat me.

Although I still hesitate sometimes, and of course there are some moments I am scared and have self-doubt but those are much less frequent than in the past. I have grown up, I know how to buy my own groceries, make my own food, limit the amount of unhealthy food I eat (we are still working on this one, exchange calories don’t count right?), read a map, get around with public transportation, ask questions, be independent, and talk myself through my own issues and uncomfortable situations.

Despite the fact that I miss home sometimes, I am here, in Finland, living my best life. I can live at home for the rest of my life after this year if I want to. I have made amazing, life-long friends from all over the world that care about me. I have plans to travel the world to see them. I have experienced amazing things that a lot of people my age don’t get to: I have seen the northern lights, been in Finnish sauna, visited Sweden, visited one of the most iconic places in Finland, rowed with people from all over the world in the Baltic Sea, lived in Finland for two and a half months, attended Finnish high school, explored, traveled, seen weird things, lived with an amazing host family (with four younger sisters), and been a Rotary Youth Exchange Student. This journey hasn’t always been easy but it’s not supposed to be or you wouldn’t learn anything. I would not and will not trade this experience for anything. These friends and memories will last a life time. I really look forward to spending the next eight-ish months in Finland learning more about myself, this culture, language, and amazing country.